It’s been a week since the fires began and boy, are there are lot of thoughts and feelings. To summarize, the city has been immensely supportive and the volunteer efforts have been outstanding. Of course, the work of first responders has been insurmountable in a time where no one could have prepared enough or been resourced enough for this disaster, that’s why it’s called a natty disaster.

We’ve seen a lot of people talk about what they were able to grab before their homes burned to ash. Or what they didn’t. The resounding theme is that photographs, memories, mementos were the most awful things to lose. In the shower just now, I took that idea and thought really hard about consumerism and materialism. While I feel like I heavily invest my resources into making memories, traveling, and experiences, I took a little look at my material possessions and thought about what I would grab, irreplaceable items aside. Contact lenses. My favorite linen bedsheets. Heirloom earrings. The most expensive dress I own, but never wear? Other than that, no item of clothing was important enough. My most expensive piece of furniture surely would not fit. My musical instruments? Who cares. My list made me realize how many things I truly do not need or want. My skincare and makeup needs fit in one bag. I have one nice bag. One nice pair of shoes that I would only wear three times a year. I thought about the fact that you can’t go wrong with jeans and a tee, and how without even thinking about it, I’ve worn that same outfit for a week straight. Not sure if it’s because I’ve had no motivation to get dressed or because I truly felt comfort in wearing that. The city is experiencing a surplus of clothing donations and it is sad, but true, that that is not what people need. While I do love fashion and clothes, I never want to be in the place of having to sell them or have my closet bursting at the seams, or giving away my stained, dirty trash to a donation drive. Let that be used for home insulation in the rebuild.

I also thought about the idea of a home. Building a home or having a house is cool, but it was never on my bucket list of big dreams. Now, after seeing a lot of those dreams lost for others, I think about if I even need a home or want one. A home, to me, is a shell that is filled with the light of the people inside it: the memories, the photographs, the meals shared, and the laughter. I think that can happen in any space. I think about how people buy homes as an investment. And while yes, it’s not a bad idea or bad thing, is that investment truly guaranteed? It’s apparent that is isn’t. I’m sure I’d feel differently if I had one or if I had something generational, but since I don’t, it’s out of sight, out of mind. If I had the money, surely I would have used concrete or brick. These things have intensely made me think about what I’m doing all of this for. I think about all the things I enjoy and if they are aligned with my values. I love art, photography, travel, dance, food. Why do I love them that much? Underneath all the fun and challenge, I think it’s because it is a way to connect with culture and humanity. And I love those things so much that I’ve integrated them into my life and hobbies and turned them into careers. Often times, I think about if I should have became that doctor or worked with that e-commerce brand, because I know I could have done it, but when I think again, I know that what I’m doing somehow is important too.

Among the other things I packed up and was prepared to shove in the car at a moments notice were VHS tapes, cassettes, and an unconfirmed amount of hard drives of my memories and those of way too many other people. Hundreds of weddings, families’ portraits, businesses’ assets, just sitting on a drive. Before you tell me about putting them on a cloud, I encourage you to consider the cost of that. Thousands for that much data. I’m really proud and forever anxious of the fact that the photographs I take are the ones that people are terrified to lose. The memories that are made at big events that I have the privilege of capturing are the things that people wish they could retrieve: the things they would risk their lives to go back for are priceless in comparison to their shoe collection, Gucci bags, furniture. While people may not look at these photographs everyday, they still hold so much value. I guess one thing I don’t have to worry about is that the digital age makes things a bit more retrievable if possible. Something as simple as a flood or flame can extinguish a one of one print, canvas, or tape.

I’m thinking if I should take on a huge task of digitizing everything and making it available to my clients and family if anything ever happens to me. But I already know this is a distraction in itself. In the meantime, Los Angeles is still actively fighting fires. I will hold on a bit tighter to my art, journals, photographs, because these tell the story of who we are. This is what books and movies are based on: our identities. Memories are intangible, and if you think about it, a memory dies with a person unless it is able to be traced. Is it selfish to want to have a piece of you leftover if you’re gone? I think not. All those famous painters and architects had the means to leave behind their legacy and art. I think all of us deserve to leave something behind. And as a side note, while I don’t enjoy trauma olympics, there are thousands upon thousands of Gazans who didn’t have a chance to leave anything behind.